


I've Told You Now

by scruffylou



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Friendship, Love, M/M, Unrequited Love, very VERY slight luke hemmings/ofc, very slight michael clifford/ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 17:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2278062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scruffylou/pseuds/scruffylou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael has a problem.  His problem is tall and blonde and unfortunately for him, his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Told You Now

**Author's Note:**

> The ending is not really how I wanted it, but I got stuck. I hope you like it anyway. The title comes from the Sam Smith song of the same name.

He didn’t know when it started exactly, but it wouldn’t stop. 

 It was hot and humid in Nashville and all of the lights beaming down on the stage were making them sweat through their shirts.  Ashton especially, and Luke kept having to finish his parts for him when he was supposed to sing and play the drums at the same time.  His hair was exploding from the top of his red bandana and the pieces that fell out from under it were stuck to his face.  The three boys not trapped behind the drums took turns running down the catwalk with their skinny jeans sticking to their legs just to feel a breeze through the holes in the knees and escape the heat, skipping and playing their instruments and sticking their tongues out at the fans.

Michael was a good actor, he really was.  He bobbed his head to the music and met up with Calum at the mic to share it during a harmony.  He smiled at the fans and genuinely laughed when he and Calum bumped faces.  But all he was thinking about was Luke.  He’d look up to the big screen from the middle of the catwalk when he could sneak it and see Luke there, lip ring brushing the mic while he sung, fingers brushing over guitar strings and long legs bouncing up and down while he played.

He almost missed his cues to sing a few times because he was hypnotized.  Luke’s face was glowing with sweat and illuminated by the lights; purple, then green.  Michael smiled at him and he smiled back, but it wasn’t the same kind of smile.  Sometimes he thought they could all communicate through looks; didn’t even need to talk on stage.  But Luke didn’t know what he’d meant when he smiled.  He didn’t want him to anyway.

The sun started to go down as they finished their set.  All the cheers and screams melted into white noise in his brain as he watched Luke sing the last few lines of “She Looks So Perfect,” and the sweat dripping down Michael’s back turned cold because he couldn’t keep from getting the chills as the lights went out and Luke smiled into the dark.

They walked off stage and back into the corridors that lead to their dressing room.  The roar from the crowd died out to background noise as soon as the heavy metal doors shut behind them.  Calum grabbed the back of Luke’s neck and squeezed as they walked.  “Good show, guys!”  Luke smiled and Ashton turned around to face them, walking backwards.

“Feels like I lost a thousand pounds and maybe all my blood and body fluid, but yeah, great show!” he grinned and pulled his bandana off, shaking his hair out as he turned back around.

“Your sweat just sprayed me in the face you idiot!” Luke laughed as they came up on the dressing room and Ashton shook his head at Luke again before opening the door.  They began collecting their things to go back to the hotel and Michael threw a banana from the banquet table at Luke’s back as he was bent over his duffle bag, stuffing in some rolled up shirts he hadn’t decided on wearing for the concert.

He turned around and made a fake mean face, furrowing his eyebrows and sticking his bottom lip and lip ring out in an angry pout.  “I hope that was an accident, boy,” he said angrily in a deep, gruff voice with a southern accent.

Michael giggled because he knew exactly what he was doing.  “No, that banana was meant for you,” he smirked.

“Ah, shit,” Luke continued on in the voice, “I knew I’d have to kill someone tonight.”  He stomped over towards Michael and grabbed him, wrapping both arms tightly around him and pulling him to the floor.  Michael rolled before Luke could get on top of him and tried to get up, laughing, but Luke grabbed him and flipped him on his back and sat on him, pushing his arms above his head and holding onto his wrists, pinning them to the floor.  He smirked, and fuck that lip ring was such a kink for Michael.  He silently prayed that he wouldn’t get hard during all of this.  That’d be the last thing he needed.

“Don’t kill me, don’t kill me!” Michael squeaked in his best high-pitched, damsel in distress voice.  Luke smiled and laughed and raised himself up a little before bouncing back down onto Michael’s stomach.  “Ughhhhhh,” he groaned and closed his eyes, but he was still smiling.

Luke pushed against the floor with his hands and got to his feet.  “You got lucky this time,” he said, voice back to normal.  Michael stared up at him and he didn’t know if he was imagining it, but he thought that Luke stared back a little longer than necessary.  The smile hadn’t completely faded from Michael’s face and he could feel his breath catching in his throat.  The spell broke just as fast and Luke held out his hand to help Michael up. 

“Come on, I wanna sleep sometime tonight!” Calum called from the other side of the dressing room.

 

 

 

They were in the car that would take them back to the hotel and Ashton was already asleep against the window in one of the middle seats.  Calum was across from him, listening to music on his headphones and staring out the window at the buildings, a mix of old and new.  Luke and Michael were in the back and Michael looked out his own window.  The street lamps cast shadows over his face, illuminating his eyes and throwing them back into darkness as the car whizzed by them.  Luke was asleep in the seat next to him all cuddled up in a hoodie and Luke’s arm was touching his.  He felt it again.  It was that middle school feeling.  That anticipation that makes even a coincidental touch feel like fire.  He moved his foot over a bit so that their toes were touching too and sighed.  He felt pathetic.

The car slowed to a stop at a red light and Michael gazed out at a fountain in front of a huge church.  The city was quiet and sleepy at night and it made him lonely.  He’d been lonely a lot lately.  It seemed like everyone else was okay.  Ashton had no problem bringing girls back to his room, and he talked to his family and friends on the phone all the time.  Calum was always texting and calling this one girl from Ohio.  It seemed like love or some shit, Michael thought.  And Luke, he was always kind of solitary anyway.  He wrote songs a lot, read, listened to music.  He seemed fine.  Michael used to bring the most girls back.  Two at a time even.  A few boys too, if he was being honest, but no one knew about that.  Okay maybe they did, but they never said anything.  But Luke’s goofy laugh, and his broad shoulders and skinny legs, and the way he was nice to everyone…as soon as he’d stared for too long into his blue eyes and watched him fall asleep on the bus, it was harder to want to just fuck around with people.  Instead he’d lay there at night and wish he was on the other side of the wall, asking Luke questions about what he was writing, sharing headphones and just lying there, or watching whatever was on cable.  Sometimes he wished he could climb out of his bunk on the bus and climb up into Luke’s.  Just to curl up next to him.  Just to bury his face in Luke’s neck and smell that shampoo and sweat and cologne smell and fall asleep forever.

The light turned green and the van lurched forward.  Luke’s head had been tilted already and the motion of the car made him shift into Michael.  Michael held his breath and tried not to move as Luke blinked a few times before closing his eyes again and letting his head fall onto Michael’s shoulder.  He wrapped his arm across Michael’s chest and held onto him, falling back asleep as fast as it had all happened.

Michael looked down at his face, peaceful and younger looking when he was asleep.  His mouth was slightly open and his long eyelashes brushed his skin.  Michael wished the car ride would last forever.  He let his eyes fall down to Luke’s arm, toned and pale and pressed to his chest.  Luke’s hand was on his waist, his long fingers grabbing the fabric of Michael’s shirt.  And they did these things all the time, all of them.  They were close.  They were brothers.  He knew he couldn’t let himself get caught up in it.  He couldn’t do anything to fuck up the band, especially not now, when all of their dreams were actually coming true.  He was just lonely, and he just needed to get a grip dammit.  He looked back out the window, and when they made it back to the hotel ten minutes later, he pushed Luke off of him and laughed it off.  “You drooled all over me, Luke,” he laughed and pulled a disgusted face before making his way up to his room.

 

 

 

 

They were in Houston and the show was over and he’d done it again.  He’d picked a girl out of the crowd of girls waiting for them by the buses and he’d slipped a piece of paper into her hand and she’d called and now she was there in his room and he knew that she knew what he wanted and he felt awful for it, but there was an edge too.  He was excited, sure, but he was uneasy at the same time.  He just couldn’t stand another night in a hotel room alone, thinking about everything.  He needed a distraction.  She had white blonde hair with pink on the ends and she wore a simple black dress with Converse and she had big eyes, pretty and bright.  She stared at him, waiting for him to do something, smiling politely.

“I….you’re beautiful,” was all he could think to say.  And she was, but it wasn’t creative.

She looked down and smiled softly.  “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.  “Do you want something to drink, or….”

                “Michael, you don’t have to be polite,” she interrupted.  “I know you’re only here for one night and I know why I’m here.  So let’s just…”

                Michael blushed, a little embarrassed.  “Are you okay with that?”

                “Yes,” she said, meeting his eyes.  “I want that.”  She smiled and his stomach felt uneasy.  Usually he’d have her clothes off by now.  Usually he’d have her on her back or her knees or her stomach or something, but it was just…it felt weird.  “Come here, Michael,” she coaxed and let the straps of her dress fall over her shoulders.  “Help me get this off.”  He got up from the edge of the bed and walked over to her.  She was so small; short and petite and fragile.  He felt like he was looming over her.  He took the straps in his hands and eased them down over her arms as she looked up at him, biting her lip.  The dress came down with the straps and fell over her hips and to the floor.  She had on black, lacy lingerie and he smirked because it seemed like she’d been planning the whole night.

                “Do you like it?” she almost whispered.  He didn’t answer, just pulled her into a kiss.  The kiss was deep from the start, their tongues sliding over each other’s and their teeth clashing.  He backed her towards the wall and it felt like his soul was being sucked from his body.  He felt hollow.  He didn’t like doing this anymore.  But he kept kissing and he let her pull his shirt over his head because he thought if he just kept going, if he just let himself feel enough, maybe in the end he could feel nothing at all.  Maybe he could erase the heavy feeling that had been pooling in his gut for a month. 

                She kicked her shoes off and pushed him back towards the bed.  He fell onto it and landed on his elbows, propped up and staring at her as she unbuttoned his jeans.  She pulled them to his shins and he kicked them the rest of the way off and then she went for his boxers.  He watched with lips parted slightly and breath heavy as she pulled them off and propped herself up on her knees.  She took him in her hand and pumped a few times before smiling up at him and sliding her lips over the head of his cock.  He shuddered and closed his eyes as she bobbed up and down on him.  It didn’t take much to get him close because he was nowhere near focused on letting it last.  He wanted it to just be over with, but he felt like an asshole so he grabbed her before he could cum and pulled her up onto the bed.  He flipped her onto her back and hovered over her, kissed her a little and then grabbed a condom from the table by the bed.  He opened it and slipped it on.  He pushed two fingers into her gently and moved them in and out a few times to make sure she was wet enough before lowering himself into her.  She closed her eyes and let her head fall back and he moved in and out slowly a few times before speeding up.  With every thrust he felt sicker and sicker, his head spinning a little.  The hotel room was cold, but he was sweating, and he realized the blinds were open.  His thoughts drifted to Luke next door and he wondered if he had a girl in there too.  He knew he didn’t.  And for some reason, he didn’t want Luke to know that _he_ did.

                She moaned under him and he went a little faster.  “Harder, Michael, please,” she groaned and dug her fingernails into his thighs.  His eyes watered.  He’d never see this girl again, what the fuck was he doing?  She came with a loud moan and he prayed that no one heard before realizing that he hadn’t come yet.  He closed his eyes and felt her clench around him as she came down, and he focused on that feeling, tight and wet and warm, and he could feel the warm tingling in his gut and he was so close.  He thrust into her a few more times and finally he was over the edge, filling up the condom, his legs shaking before he collapsed on the bed beside her, breathing heavy and rolling to his back.  She kissed him on the cheek and on the neck a few times and smiled up at him.  He pulled the most genuine smile he could and reached over to turn off the lamp on the bedside table.  He lied back again and stared at the ceiling.  His eyes watered, but he waited for the soft snoring to start beside him before he let a few frustrated tears fall down his cheeks.

 

 

 

                A few nights later, they were playing their second show in Chicago and because the date was added at the last minute, so was the hotel room.  Two boys had to share each one.  When their road manager asked who wanted to be together, Luke said, “I’ll be with Michael.”  He didn’t explain it, just grabbed his stuff and some of Michael’s and started walking in the back entrance.  Michael watched him, couldn’t help but smile a little, and started to follow with the rest of his stuff.  

                “Well aren’t you special?” Calum joked, and Michael turned around to stick his tongue out before walking through the door.

                Once he made it up to the room, Luke had left a shoe shoved between the door and the frame so he could get in without a key.  He picked it up and shoved the door open with his foot.  “Honey, I’m home!” he joked and plopped his suitcase on the bed that Luke hadn’t already started folding clothes on.  Luke smiled at him and kept folding.

                “I figure we’re gonna be here for a few days, might as well unpack a little bit.”  Michael nodded and flopped back onto the bed, looking over at Luke in his gym shorts, Misfits t-shirt, and snapback turned backwards.  He was carefully concentrating on smoothing everything out. 

                “Why’d you pick me to share with?” Michael asked, the question feeling like weight being pushed out of his chest and falling off his lips heavily.  It shouldn’t have been a big deal.  “You usually share with Cal,” he added, to make it seem nonchalant.

                Luke shrugged.  “You seem quiet this week.  I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but you seem sad.  I thought maybe we could sneak out tonight and explore.  It’s only eight-thirty on a Friday night in downtown Chicago.  There’s gotta be loads of shit to do.”

                Michael smiled warmly.  “You want to sneak out?”

                “I’m kind of tired, but for you?  Yeah.”

                Michael’s chest got tight, but he smiled wider.  “Guess you’re getting daring now that your mum’s not on tour with us.”

                Luke rolled his eyes and threw a shirt he’d been folding at Michael’s head, but he smiled anyway.  “Get ready, and we’ll get out of here.  I’m really hungry so we need to find a pizza place.”

                The boys both put on hoodies and Michael added a snapback for good measure, not really caring that they matched.  Before they walked out the door, Luke made sure the room key was in his pocket and Michael silently prayed that they wouldn’t be spotted by any fans once they got outside the hotel.  They walked down the hall as quickly as they could while still being quiet and Michael stole a few glances at Luke.  He caught him every time and smiled back at him.  Michael sprinted ahead of Luke and put his hands in the shape of a gun.  He leaned against the inside of a doorway and looked up and down the hall, finger-gun poised like he was in a Bond movie.  Luke giggled and Michael did a head-first roll out of the doorway and farther down the hall.  He tried to stand up and tripped, collapsing in embarrassed, goofy laughter on the ugly hotel carpet. 

                Luke was laughing too and he reached out his hand to help Michael up.  “That hurt way fucking more than I thought it would,” Michael sighed and tilted his head to the side, stretching his neck.  Luke stooped down and picked his snapback up off the floor, brushing it off on his thigh before putting it back on Michael’s head sideways.  He straightened it and messed with his hair a bit as they walked the last few steps to the elevator.  “You think anyone’s heard us yet?” he asked Luke as the door slid open and they walked in.

                “Hope not.”  He pressed L for lobby and stared up at the numbers while Michael stared at him.  He felt like such a creep lately and he wondered how Luke didn’t notice.  The thought made him want to laugh in a sick way, and he was just standing there staring with a slight smile on his face.  His smile faded when he thought about how easy it would be to just hit the stop button and push Luke against the wall and kiss him hard on the mouth, pull his lip ring between his teeth, grab the hair at the back of his neck….

                His eyes had glazed over and he snapped back to attention with the sound of the elevator bell dinging.  The doors opened and they walked into the lobby.  They hadn’t seen it yet since they’d been brought in the back way, but they made their way to the front doors easily.  “Cross your fingers there’s not a crowd.  I’m too hungry,” Michael smiled and Luke nodded.  He took a deep breath and pushed through the revolving door out into the cool evening.  Michael scanned the area.  No crowd, but there were three girls giggling next to a trash can a few feet away.  One of them waved and the other two almost hid behind her.  Michael smiled and waved back and they all collapsed into giggles. 

                “Luke!  Michael!  Can we get a picture?  Please?” the bravest one asked.  “Promise we won’t tell anyone where you are!”  Michael and Luke exchanged small smiles and walked over to the girls. 

                “Are you bargaining with us?” Michael narrowed his eyebrows at them and smiled.  They giggled again.

                “Yes.  Secrecy for pictures,” the outgoing girl spoke up again.

                “I think that’s fair,” Luke grinned.

                They made small talk while they took pictures with each girl, and after the girls had thanked them and started walking away, one of them turned around and yelled back, “Sorry we interrupted your date, Muke!”

                Michael knew he was about to turn ninety different shades of red so he turned to grab a taxi, but he didn’t miss Luke’s smile before he walked towards the curb.  He opened the door of one of the cabs and let Luke slide in first.  He slid in after and the cab driver greeted them and asked where to.

                “We’re not from here, but can you take us to the best pizza place in Chicago?” Michael asked cheerfully, chest full of excitement and anticipation.  He already felt different, out of the hotel and in a city he didn’t know with Luke.  Just Luke.

                The driver laughed and said sure, and Luke added, “And can we walk to Navy Pier from there?”  Michael looked at him curiously. 

                “Sure you can, it’s about two blocks,” the driver nodded and pulled away from the curb.

 

                The pizza place was perfect, a little hole in the wall.  It was a weekday and late, so it wasn’t busy and they got seated right away.  No one in the restaurant was the right age to know them and Michael was a little grateful for that.  He just wanted this to keep feeling like another world.  The place was dimly lit with candles on all the worn wooden tables and the sounds of glasses clinking and soft music in the background made Michael feel calm and warm.  They ordered their drinks and after the waitress walked away, Luke looked at Michael with wide eyes and asked, “Is Chicago pizza the pizza you’re supposed to fold in half or is that New York?”  Michael laughed at how serious the question how sounded.

                “I dunno Luke, I think that’s New York.  I think Chicago is the deep dish.  You can’t really fold that.”  He was trying to be sweet and stop teasing Luke so much, but it was hard.  When their pizza came and they ran out of small talk, and making fun of the fact that the sauce and pepperonis were on top of the cheese, he caught Luke looking at him.

                “What, Hemmings?” he said through a mouthful of pizza.

                Luke looked down and played with his slice with one of his long fingers.  “Why are you sad this week?  What happened?”

                The bite that Michael had just swallowed suddenly felt like lead in his throat.  He took a sip of his drink and then took a deep breath.  He considered telling him for a second, but just a second.  Then he settled for a half truth.  “I guess being alone is just getting to me.  Being alone in all these cold hotel rooms and shit, I don’t know Luke.  I’m not sad…I just need to snap out of it.”

                Luke was quiet, staring back at Michael and then,  “But you…is it like you need sex or something because you just had that girl the other night in Houston right?  So it’s not that.  You wanna love someone.”

                Michael’s stomach turned, partly because Luke knew about the girl and part because…he did want to love someone, but…”I-no, I just wish we all still shared rooms or something.”  He had mumbled that, and it was a stupid answer, but he was lost for words so he just shoved another piece of pizza in his mouth.

                Luke could sense he wanted to stop talking about it, but he was too worried and too kind to just let it go.  “I’m here, Mikey.  If you can’t stay alone, you can come stay in my room.  Any of us would let you.  I love you,” he smiled softly and Michael smiled too, but he was struggling to keep his eyes from watering because he wanted to hear I love you from Luke so badly, but it wasn’t the right kind. 

 

 

                They walked in the direction that the taxi driver had told them, through the dark and through all the lights of the city that filtered down through the trees on either side of the sidewalk.  Music was playing through speakers on the street lights and it was one of those songs that makes your guts ache and makes you feel like you want everything but you have everything you need and you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.  Michael was looking at Luke again, and Luke was looking up at the buildings.  “This place is insane.  There’s so much history and then there are a million new buildings next to the old ones.  It’s great.  I’m glad we’re here for a few days.”

                “Me too,” Michael responded absent-mindedly. 

                “Why aren’t you making fun of me like normal, Mikey, you’re scaring me,” Luke grinned.

                “I didn’t even think I had to make fun of you for that cheesy poetic display.  You kind of already did it yourself,” Michael smirked and Luke shoved him and let his smile almost split his face.

                They made it to the pier and Michael immediately felt warm inside.  There were a bunch of food vendors and families walking around and couples holding hands and boats floating in the dock with all of their rooms illuminated.  There was an arcade and a few restaurants and Luke pointed out the cotton candy he said he wanted to get on the way out and the sign that said how many miles to London, England and how many miles to the North Pole.

                Finally Luke stopped in front of the huge ferris wheel, the crowning glory of the pier.  “We’ve gotta do this, Michael,” he said in awe as he looked up at the slowly twirling thing, lit up and bright red and gorgeous, soaring above the whole pier and all the people.

                Michael looked over at him, his face illuminated by the lights and his eyes full of wonder.  He smiled warmly, because Luke was still a kid and he still loved everything and it was the best thing in the world.  “Is this why you wanted to come here?”  Luke looked back at him.

                “Well yeah!  Come on!”  He grabbed Michael’s wrist and pulled him towards the ticket booth.  Michael laughed and Luke’s hand on his wrist all but burnt his skin.  He was scared of heights and of theme park rides and Luke knew that, but maybe he forgot because he was so excited and maybe Michael would let him forget because he wanted to see him smile.

                Luke bought two tickets from the lady at the booth and they got in line.  Michael tried to focus on Luke, but he could feel his hands shaking and his knees were weak.  He avoided looking up at the ferris wheel, but he could hear the wind rushing through the spokes as it rotated slowly.  “You okay?  You look paler than normal, if that’s possible,” Luke joked.

                “Yeah, I’m good, just a little…I’m a little nervous okay,” he admitted with a smile and rolled his eyes.

                “Aw, Michael, it’s okay!  I forgot you were scared of these rides.  We can skip it, it’s okay,” Luke said genuinely.  He didn’t even sound disappointed.

                “No, never.  You wanted to come here for this and you got me out tonight, so we’re doing it,” Michael said determinedly.  Luke smiled and put his hand on the small of Michael’s back to guide him forward because the line was moving again.  He shivered.

                A few minutes later they were at the front of the line and the woman opening the carriage doors took their tickets, ripped them in half and handed the halves back, and let them into one of the bright red carriages.

                “I’m so excited!” Luke was smiling, sitting across from Michael.  His long legs and lanky frame were too big for the seat and he looked like an overgrown child.  It was endearing and Michael had to smile, even though he felt like he was about to throw up or pass out, or maybe both.  He attempted excitement anyway and jiggled Luke’s knee a little with his own.  Luke was leaned as far as he could towards the side so that he could look out as the ride started to move slowly, up.

                Michael’s stomach lurched as soon as the ride did and he could tell that this was going to be a challenge.  His palms were sweaty and so was the back of his neck, but it was cool, clammy sweat and his hands still shook.  He was looking down at his knees trying to pretend they weren’t moving, but they stopped again almost as soon as they’d started.

                “What the hell?  Why are we stopping?” Michael blurted, his voice on the verge of panic.  Luke looked at him, a little concerned.

                “Michael, it’s okay.  They’re just loading up the next two cars,” he said in as calm a voice as he could manage.

                Michael had been hiding his fear until now, but that did it.  “WHAT?!  They seriously have to load two at a time?  How long will we be up here?”  Luke tried not giggle.  When Michael got nervous, he was like an overgrown kitten, wide-eyed and making a lot of noise.

                “It’s okay, I promise, it’s not-“

                “No it’s not okay.  I’m trapped on here and I’m…I’m really fucking scared.  I hate these bullshit rides, they’re no fun anyway,”  Michael was trying to sound tough, but Luke could hear the crack in his voice and he clasped hands shaking and even though it was adorable, he still felt bad for bringing Michael on the ride.

                The car lurched again and Michael’s eyes went wide.  “Mike, here, would this help at all?”  Luke pulled himself up from the bench on his side of the little carriage and turned to sit down next to Michael.  Their legs and arms were touching and Luke put his hand on the back of Michael’s neck and rubbed it a little, gently.

                Michael exhaled and closed his eyes.  “Sorry I’m sweaty,” he said a few seconds later. 

                “It’s okay, don’t worry,” Luke said gently.  He laid his big hand over Michael’s clenched, trembling one on his lap.  Michael felt a lot of the worried energy coursing through him leak out when Luke touched him.  He moved his fingers back and forth over Michael’s knuckles and the back of his hand as he stared out the opposite window and Michael knew it wasn’t a romantic thing.  It was something that a friend would do, but it felt like a million fireworks should be going off over the pier.  He looked over at Luke, the lights from the ferris wheel making his face glow and a little smile on his face.  His eyes were wide and full of wonder and they sparkled from the reflection of the water and the city and the arcade below them.  He wanted to tell him he loved him.  He wanted to turn his hand over and hold Luke’s. 

                “I’m sorry I’m ruining the ride,” was all he could get out.

                “You’re not ruining it Michael.  Look out there.  We’re at the top,” Luke said sweetly, and Michael leaned into him and looked around him and out the window.  The city lights shone brightly in the distance and reflected over the endless, dark water of Lake Michigan.  The noise of the carnival below had faded to a dull, white noise and the creak of the ride was calming somehow.

                “It’s awesome,” Michael breathed, letting himself exhale deeply.  When he breathed in again he felt okay.  The anxiety was melting away from the warmth of Luke’s body next to his.  His fingers had stopped moving, but they were still resting there on Michael’s hand.  He silently hoped Luke would leave them there.

                Finally all of the carriages were loaded and the ride started a more constant movement.  The boys looked out the other side of the carriage, towards the end of the pier and the fake pirate ship and the aquarium.  “I’m glad you were the one to come with me tonight, Michael.  Calum would’ve just wanted to pull girls and Ashton would’ve been too hyper the whole time.  You make me laugh!  I don’t have to worry about any of that shit.  And this is so awesome!  I’m so happy you like it.  You’re not nervous anymore right?”

                He hadn’t been, but everything Luke had just said made his stomach twist a little.  He knew he was reading into it too much, but that didn’t stop him from blushing and leaning further toward the window so Luke couldn’t see his face.  “Nope!  I’m good.  You sound like you’re in love with me right now, Luke,” he said sarcastically, trying to put an edge in his voice.

                “I am.  This was the perfect date.  Muke forever,” Luke said flatly and laughed.

                Michael’s heart hurt.  “But I didn’t even get laid!”  He just wanted to keep the joke going, to see how far he could get.

                Luke bumped his knee into Michael’s and he turned to Luke.  “Oh baby, I’m taking you back to my hotel room.  You just have to be patient,” Luke giggled and wiggled his eyebrows at Michael and he wanted to slap the smart little bastard for being just as sarcastic as Michael usually was.

                They joked around for the rest of the ride and Luke’s hand eventually slipped from Michael’s and it didn’t seem like a big deal, but it was because it had been an anchor and as soon as it was gone, Michael wished it wasn’t.  When they got off the ferris wheel, they made their way back up the pier and Luke got his cotton candy (blue, pink and purple all layered into one).  He shared it with Michael and they caught a taxi back to the hotel and took a few pictures with a few more fans that were waiting outside and made their way upstairs.

 

 

                Back in the room, while Luke was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and changing, Michael felt electric.  He felt like bouncing off the walls or screaming or something.  His phone buzzed.  Calum.  “Where are you guys?  Saw you on twitter with fans.”

                “We’re back now.  Snuck out for a bit,” Michael texted back.

                He sat on the edge of the bed and tapped his feet on the ugly carpet.  The phone buzzed again.  “Without us? L”  He giggled.

                “Sorry Cal.  Next time we’ll all go.  xx”

                Luke came out of the bathroom in black sweats and a big, grey Iron Maiden t-shirt that Michael realized was his.  This definitely gave him mixed emotions.  “Hey!  Nice shirt, asshole,” he laughed and Luke smiled a little embarrassed smile. 

                “You left it backstage in Detroit, I was just rescuing it for you,” Luke said defensively and made his way over to his bed on the far side of the room.

                “Mhmmm,” Michael teased and stood up from where he’d been sitting.  He pulled his shirt off and threw it on the floor before grabbing a sweatshirt out of his bag and throwing that on instead.  “Why are hotel rooms always so fucking cold?”

                “Wanna cuddle?” Luke asked, probably joking but it’s not like it wasn’t a regular occurrence in the band.  It didn’t mean anything, as far as Michael knew.  He laughed it off and peeled his jeans off, then pulled some Pokemon pajama pants on.  The fans were always sending him Pokemon shit, but lucky for him he liked most of it.  Luke had flipped the television on, but he tossed the remote to Michael.

                “What do you wanna watch?” Michael asked.

                “I’m just gonna write.  You can choose.”  Luke had already pulled a beat up notebook from his pillowcase and was in the process of opening to the next blank page.  Michael watched him curiously.  He laid the remote back down on the bed and sat on the edge, facing Luke.

                “What do you write in there?” he asked quietly.

                Luke clicked his pen while he stared at the page.  “Stuff.”

                “Smartass,” Michael grinned; decided to push him a little.  “Really though, is it lyrics?”

                Luke looked up because he knew Michael wouldn’t give it up until he did.  “Some of it, yeah.  Some of it’s just thoughts.  Stories sometimes, but that’s rare.”  Michael was smiling softly, no sign of teasing in his expression.  He was really listening.

                “Do you write in it every night?”

                Luke nodded.  “Most nights.  You should try it.  It’s really good when you have all this stuff swirling around in your head on tour and you just need…someone to listen without telling anyone anything?”  He said the last part like a question and an admittance all at once.

                Michael furrowed his eyebrows.  He hated to think that anything stressed Luke out.  He always wanted to protect him from whatever he could, but he couldn’t protect him from his thoughts. 

                “I’m okay, don’t worry Michael.  It’s just nice to write,” Luke smiled.  Michael swore he could read his mind sometimes and that scared him. 

                “Good,” Michael smiled and patted him on the knee.  “I’ll let you get back to it then.  I’m gonna check my phone and watch something.”  He got up and walked the short distance back to his bed and collapsed onto it on his back.

                Luke was quiet for a few seconds, but he hadn’t started writing yet.  “You can read it sometime if you want.” 

                Michael smiled up at the ceiling.  “Yeah, I’d like that.”  He worked himself up to a sitting position and settled back into the pillows.  He could hear Luke’s pen on the paper and the tv was on quietly.  He wondered if Luke ever wrote about him.  He closed his eyes and decided to skip looking at his phone.  He was tired all of a sudden and the cold room combined with his warm sweatshirt and pajama pants and the picture in his head of Luke’s hand on top of his and his face illuminated and excited on the ferris wheel were enough to get him to sleep faster than he had in a long time.

 

 

                Their last day in Chicago after their show, the boys found themselves at a random club with a few of their crew.  It was a dark, dingy rock club that had a lot of local bands on the bill every weekend and they didn’t even know the band that was supposed to be there that night, but Ashton had decided they all needed to go out to celebrate.  He hadn’t specified what exactly they were celebrating, but Ashton was usually in charge so they had all gotten showers after their performance and dragged themselves out of their hotel rooms and down to the car that was waiting for them.

                Michael and Calum were the first to hit the bar at the club.  Luckily for them, it was the kind of place that didn’t really make a habit of asking for people’s ID’s.  Michael ordered a Jack and coke, and Calum got a whiskey sour and held it up to Michael, raising his eyebrows and smiling.  “Don’t look so obvious, you idiot,” Michael hissed, but couldn’t help smiling at how excited Calum was.

                “Nobody’s gonna say anything, Mikey.  Look at this place.”  Calum gestured to the crowd surrounding them.  There were definitely more people in the club than the fire codes would’ve allowed and the music was so loud that it was almost impossible to hear someone unless they were inches from your face.  It was dim, with just the lights from the stage and the bar illuminating the rest of the room, and everyone there looked like they had a rough backstory.

                “Wanna get in the pit?” Michael gave Calum a mischievous look. 

                Calum grinned back at him.  “Cheers!” he yelled over the music, and the two of them downed their drinks as fast as they could and pushed their way through the crowd to the front, almost next to the stage.  The band that was playing played loud and fast and everyone in the front was shoving each other and throwing elbows and jumping up and down and Michael and Calum fit right in.  Michael stuck his tongue out and jumped up and down and Calum threw his head from side to side and they were laughing hysterically.  Michael thought he needed this.  He needed to forget about all the sappy bullshit that he’d been letting get to him and just let himself go.

                After the first song Calum locked eyes with Michael and pointed towards the bar again.  Michael nodded and they pushed their way back through the crowd to get more drinks.  As Michael took his second drink from the bartender, he felt a hand on his shoulder.  He turned around to Ashton, grinning and sweaty, his bandana a little crooked on his head.  “Having fun?”

                Michael nodded and smiled.  “Yeah this is wild.  Reminds me of the metal kids at home.”

                Ashton laughed and nodded.  Calum walked up with his drink and nudged Ashton’s shoulder.  “Where’s Luke?”

                Ashton giggled and moved his head toward the little lounge area next to the bar.  Michael looked back and saw Luke sitting on a bench, bent down close to some girl’s ear, talking to her with his lips almost brushing her hair.  She was giggling at everything he said and smiling whenever she turned her head to look at him.  Calum laughed.  “Good for Luke!  She’s cute.”

                Michael rolled his eyes.  “Yeah if you like that sort of thing,” he grumbled more to himself than to the other two.  The club was too loud to hear it anyway.  Michael downed the rest of his Jack and coke and waved the bar tender over for another.  Ashton stared at him with big eyes as he finished the third one in two big gulps. 

                “You alright there, Mikey?” he asked in a chirpy voice.

                “Fine, yeah,” Michael said and forced a big grin.  “I’ll be out there.”  He pointed toward the crowd and started to walk into it.  He was feeling the whiskey now, his hands and feet tingling with it.  His cheeks were tinged pink and he could feel the back of his neck prickling because he knew Calum and Ashton were watching him walk away.  He knew they were exchanging looks and raised eyebrows at how odd his behavior was in the past two minutes.  Fuck them.  He pushed into the middle of the crowd and started shoving people that shoved him, closing his eyes and feeling the music, just dancing like he didn’t care about anything anymore.

                When he was so tired that he didn’t think he could stand anymore, he pushed his way back to the bar.  Ashton and Calum were gone and he was too drunk to look for them.  The bartender slid him a free shot, and he took it, not caring what it was.  His vision was blurry and he was all sweaty with shaky knees.  Everything he was thinking was irrational and dramatic and _Luke_.  He was kind of spiraling.  The dark club and all the strangers and all these fucking feelings and the alcohol were putting him on edge and he felt panicky and nervous and so low.  His eyes began to water and the wood of the bar blurred in front of the tears welling up in his eyes.  He tried not to look toward the lounge, tried to remind himself that they could always cuddle and they could accidentally kiss when they were drunk and they could make sexual innuendos like they always had, but it wasn’t enough anymore and he was scared and pissed off.  The alcohol made him realize how mad he really was at Luke.  _How could he not realize?_  

                Michael scoffed and craned his neck, drumming the empty shot glass on the counter nervously as he scanned the lounge.  He missed Luke at first because he was slightly obscured by the dark-haired girl that was sitting on his lap.  They weren’t talking anymore, they were kissing.  Michael almost threw up right on the bar.  He swore he could feel his blood boiling.  His skin paled and almost matched his bleached hair as he slammed the shot glass down and shoved his stool back.  He climbed down and walked unsteadily toward the lounge, planning to be nine kinds of brave and pissed off when he finally reached Luke, but in reality he was almost crying by the time he got there.  His breath was coming in short bursts and his hands were shaking.  He just wanted to be out of the club.  He didn’t want to see Luke’s lips anywhere but his and he didn’t want to see his hands on that girl’s waist and he was dizzy and the room was practically spinning.

                He planned on turning around and not saying anything, just catching a cab and going back to the hotel, but he stood on the threshold of the room for a second just staring drunkenly and it was too late.  Luke looked up for a second and saw him.  They locked eyes and Michael tried his hardest not to make his say anything, but he was too drunk.  He knew he looked destroyed.  He certainly felt it.

                Luke whispered something to the girl and she stood up and moved to sit back down on the couch.  He smiled at her and said thanks and hurried towards Michael.  Michael turned around and started to walk away as quick as he could, but Luke grabbed his arm.  “Mikey, what’s wrong?  Are you okay?”  He’d spun Michael around to face him and was scanning his face frantically, trying to figure out what happened.

                Michael closed his eyes for a second.  Luke’s face was too close and the concern in his eyes was too much.  “I-I’m just really drunk,” he said shakily.  “I think I need to go.”

                “What happened?  Did something happen?” Luke leaned towards him to talk in his ear.

                “I just can’t be here,” was all Michael could manage and his voice was cracking and maybe if it was someone who didn’t know him well they wouldn’t have noticed, but it was obvious to Luke that he was trying not to cry.

                Luke pulled him into a tight hug and Michael buried his face in Luke’s shoulder, his nose running a little on his shirt.  “It’s okay, just breathe,” he soothed.  “You want me to take you back?”

                Michael shook his head.  He felt like such an asshole.  He hadn’t even told him how he felt and it was already ruining everything.  He was breathing heavy, even heavier than he had on the ferris wheel, and he knew he was swaying back and forth on his feet.

                “I’m going to.  Just let me tell her goodbye.  Wait right here alright?” Luke said, pulling out of the hug.  Michael felt awful.  He felt like he was ruining Luke’s night for no good reason and he considered just leaving while Luke was saying goodbye to what’s-her-name, but in a sick way he couldn’t because he just wanted him.

                He watched Luke lean down and whisper in her ear and then pull out his phone and let her type something into it.  He kissed her on the cheek and gave her a hug before turning to walk back to Michael and the room lurched forward and Michael felt like he was lurching backward and he almost fell, but he just kept staring at Luke.  Luke grabbed him and turned him around, leading him out of the crowded club by the shoulders.   

                When they got outside, Michael stood on the sidewalk and stared at the ground while Luke got a cab for them.  Michael barely remembered the ride back to the hotel or the walk up to their room, but he did remember Luke helping him get his clothes off and getting him some water.  He even put a cold towel on his head after he’d helped him into bed.  When Michael was almost asleep, floating in and out of consciousness, he felt Luke climb in next to him and curl up to his side, putting a protective arm around his waist.  “It’s okay, I’m here Mike,” he whispered. 

 

                Michael had written the whole drunken night off as stress and it had been almost two weeks, and during their break from the tour he’d made every effort to make it seem like everything was normal.  They’d had a few press events and shows and he’d joked around and made fun of Luke and told dirty stories with Calum and horrified Ashton as usual.  He’d tried to hang out with all of them together or with just Cal or Ash, and not with Luke alone because he wanted to get away from those thoughts.  From the outside, he seemed the same as he’d been a couple months before.  On the inside, he was still hopelessly attached to the idea of kissing Luke whenever he wanted and holding hands with him in front of everyone.  He felt like he was playing a waiting game with his heart.

                They were back on tour, this time in California, and Michael sat alone in the dressing room in Pasadena, playing his Gameboy before their first show.  The others were running around the stadium goofing off, but he was curled up on the couch, his hoodie covering most of his hands and the hood up over his week-old bright red hair.  He had his knees drawn to his chest and he was just about to beat a level when Harry walked in.

                “Hello.  Do y’guys have any fruit in here?  They didn’t give us much and I really wanted an orange before the show.”  Harry walked up to the banquet table on the far side of the room and scanned it.

                Michael laughed.  “Sorry, Harry.  They don’t give us fruit, it’s all candy and donuts and crisps and shit.”  Harry shook his head and walked towards Michael and the couch, which he perched on the arm of as Michael saved his game and shut it.

                “How’ve you been?  How was your break?” Harry asked with the kind smile he always wore when he was being genuine.

                Michael swallowed and hesitated.  Harry had been a really good friend to him, one of the only trustworthy people he’d met in the business, but he didn’t want to dump everything on him.  He would be good for it, sure, because he wouldn’t tell anyone and maybe he could offer some advice, but….

                “It wasn’t good,” Michael blurted out.  “It was exhausting.”  He looked down and fiddled with his Gameboy, scratching at a sticker that he’d put on the back.

                Harry furrowed his eyebrows.  “I’m sorry, Mikey.  Lots of shows and promo and stuff?”

                “No.  Well yeah, but…I just…I’m tired of lying to my friends.”  Michael closed his eyes and opened them again when Harry didn’t speak right away.  He had a habit of forming his words slowly; carefully.

                “What do you mean lying?”

                Michael pinched the back of one of his hands with the other one and took a breath.  “I love one of them.  He doesn’t see it.  But I do, and I’ve tried to stop, but he’s making it really hard.  I don’t know how much longer I can just…”  He trailed off, not really knowing what to say.

                Harry’s eyes were wide for a second and then he smiled softly.  “It’s Luke.”

                Now it was Michael’s turn for wide eyes.  “How the hell did you know that?”

                “You’re always cuddling with all of them, but you look at Luke the most and you’re very protective of him.  And besides, you always kiss when you’re drunk and you sleep cuddled up with each other whenever you can.  No offense, but it’s kind of obvious.”

                “That’s what I said!” Michael said a little angrily.  “If it’s obvious to other people, why doesn’t he know?”

                Harry gave Michael a look.  “Maybe he does.  Maybe he’s thinking all the same things you are.”

                Michael shook his head.  “No.  No way.  It would ruin the band.”

                Harry raised his eyebrows.  “Would it?”

                “Yes.”

                “I don’t think it would.  Those guys are your best friends.  I think if you told him how you feel and he didn’t feel the same, he’d still be your best friend.  He’d never mention it again.  He’d just be the same old Luke.  I can almost promise you that.”  Harry smiled reassuringly and patted Michael’s knee.  “Just let him know.”

                “You really think I should?” Michael asked softly.

                Harry nodded.  “You might be missing out on the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

               

 

 

                Michael thought about what Harry had said for the next two days.  He mulled it over a million times in his head.  During their two Pasadena shows, he thought about it.  His stomach churned and he thought about it in the hotel room and walking around California, and he was still thinking about it when they were all on the beach the night after their last Pasadena show, the boys and some of their crew building a bonfire up on the shore.  Michael had been helping, but he was distracted watching Luke make his way down the cove, silhouetted against the sunset and hopping over rocks until he was out of sight. 

                He took a deep breath and thought of what to do, what to say, if this was even the right time.  “I’m gonna go find Luke,” he told the others and started walking through the sand to the rocks.  He hopped over them, and down towards the water until he saw Luke, sitting on one of the bigger ones with his knees pulled to his chest, staring off into the ocean.  The waves splashed against the rocks below him.  “Luke!” Michael called over the sound of the waves, not wanting to scare him when he walked up behind him.

                Luke turned to look and smiled.  “You noticed I left.”  Michael sat down next to him on the huge rock and let his feet dangle off the edge.

                “Of course,” he smiled and swung his legs back and forth, letting the sea spray hit his old, worn-out shoes.

                “I just wanted to be close to the water.  It’s so beautiful.  Look at the sunset.  Reminds me of home.”  He pulled his knees closer to his chest and Michael watched the orange and yellow and pink of the sky glow and move across his face.

                “Do you miss it?” Michael asked quietly.

                Luke nodded.  “But I have you guys.  You guys are like my home.”  He smiled, knowing how cheesy that was.

                “We love you too, Luke,” Michael said and made a gagging sound.  “But seriously, I know what you mean.  You’re mine too.”  He blushed and looked down, hoping the sun would cover it up.  He hadn’t meant to make the last bit sound like that.

                “Do you ever think about what will happen when this is all over?  When there are no more tours to play on and no more albums to make.  What will we do?”  Luke asked out loud and stretched his legs out so that they were hanging over the rock like Michael’s.

                “We’ll go back to the garage.  And we’ll still be best friends and we’ll play what we love and maybe some of our forty-year-old fans will come to local shows to see us.”  He smiled at Luke and Luke smiled back.  Michael kicked the side of his foot and left their legs touching like that.

                “That’d be perfect.” Luke smiled back and he nudged Michael’s foot with his own.

                They stared at each other for a second and Michael’s stomach was churning.  He almost let the words spill out, but he didn’t know how.  He opened his mouth, but nothing came out so he settled for another smile.  Luke looked down at their feet and threw a few pebbles into the waves.  Michael took about the millionth deep breath he’d taken that day.  “Luke, I…can I-“

                “MICHAEL, LUKE, COME ON!  TIME FOR FOOD!” Calum was yelling for them from the cove, and Michael could see him far away, waving for them to come toward the fire.  Luke smiled and waved back at him, then hoisted himself up and started walking toward their little camp.  Calum turned around and was out of sight in a second. 

                Michael was panicking.  It felt like now or never.  It felt like this was the only time he’d get him alone and the only time it’d be right.  The sound of the ocean made it easier for lack of awkward silence if Luke didn’t say anything, and he thought he’d felt electricity when they’d been staring at each other.  And he was banking on the hope that Luke felt it too.

                “Luke!” Michael blurted out and Luke turned around and moved back toward him.

                “What?”

                Michael almost looked down, but he forced himself to lock eyes with his best friend and he dug his fingernails into his palm.  “How have you not noticed?”  He said the words desperately, breathlessly, so nervous to actually get to the point.  He wanted Luke to do it for him.

                Luke’s eyes were full of confusion and maybe worry and Michael felt bad.  “Noticed what?”

                “Everything.  Just….everything.”  Michael said, his eyes welling up as Luke moved closer.

                “Michael…” Luke bent down and tried to make eye contact again as Michael’s eyes fell to the ground.  He looked back up then and bit his lip.

                “Luke, I love you.  I’ve been trying so hard to hide it, to forget about it, but I just can’t.  It’s not going away and-“  Luke’s expression was softer all of a sudden and Michael paused.  He didn’t know if he should keep going, but before he could think about it, Luke moved both of his hands to the sides of Michael’s face and kissed him.  It was soft, but deep and their lips moved together just like Michael had imagined so many times.  His chapped lips brushing Luke’s soft ones, and his lip ring grazing Michael’s bottom lip.  He moved his hands to Luke’s hips and pulled him closer, ran his tongue along Luke’s bottom lip, bit at it a little before he let him in.  He never wanted to stop.  He just wanted more.  Luke’s thumbs brushed soft patterns on his cheeks and he wanted to cry because never in a million years did he imagine his confession would end like this.

                They pulled away slowly, but Luke still held his face and their noses were almost touching.  “I guess it’s kind of obvious that I feel the same way,” he breathed and smiled a big cheesy grin.

                Michael couldn’t help smiling too and he swore he had the chills.  His whole body felt electric.  He really couldn’t believe it.  “Kiss me again,” he asked and Luke pulled Michael’s face to his again.  He smiled into it and moved his hands down Michael’s arms til they were grabbing his wrists. 

                “GUYS, WHAT THE HELL? WE’RE GOING TO EAT WITHOUT YOU!” Calum called again from the distance.  They broke apart again and giggled, still a little awkward, both looking in opposite directions.

                “So what now?  What do we tell them?” Michael asked, raising his eyebrows.

                “We don’t have to tell them anything,” Luke grinned.  “Come on.”  He held out his hand and Michael took it, linking fingers.  He ran his thumb up and down the back of Luke’s hand as they walked up the beach, finally making it to the fire.  Ashton smiled at them, and raised his eyebrows when he noticed their hands.  He looked over to Calum and Calum looked at them and laughed.

                “It was only a matter of fucking time, huh Ash?”  Ashton nodded and giggled, and Luke blushed while Michael shot them all the meanest look he could muster, but in the end he couldn’t help smiling too.  He felt like all the worry had been for nothing and he knew that no matter what, these were his friends and his brothers; the best people he knew, and they weren’t going anywhere.  And as he sat by the fire with Luke’s head on his shoulder and Ashton and Calum on either side of them, he knew that as long as he had them, he would always be home.


End file.
